


Heaven Knows We Need Never Be Ashamed of Our Tears

by banana69



Category: The Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Blow Jobs, Crying, F/M, M/M, Post-Canon, Sexy Times, Shapeshifting, Spoilers, This is emotionally herongraystairs but not a threesome, everyone loves each other so much UGG, except more canon has been added since but I'm ignoring that, idk how to tag the relationships for this, in a traditional sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:00:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27665083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/banana69/pseuds/banana69
Summary: A couple days after reuniting with Jem, Tessa shapeshifts into Will at his request.
Relationships: Jem Carstairs/Tessa Gray, Jem Carstairs/Tessa Gray/Will Herondale, Jem Carstairs/Will Herondale, Tessa Gray/Will Herondale
Comments: 1
Kudos: 33





	Heaven Knows We Need Never Be Ashamed of Our Tears

**Author's Note:**

> This is set a couple days after ‘After the bridge’ in 2008, not canon complicit with anything after City of Heavenly Fire. Thanks for reading!

Tessa was in the kitchen, putting away the cookware from dinner. She had insisted on making a meal for Jem, since he said he forgot to eat and she wanted to treat him to something home-cooked. She’d gotten takeout from some nearby restaurants, and they’d gone to a café, but she wanted him all to herself as much as possible.

She’d only earlier today told anyone even – she’d been a little preoccupied. In the morning she had texted Magnus to let him know. It was hard to contain her joy, and she knew she could be open with him, but so much was going on in the world and she knew he was having relationship issues and didn’t want to distract him. 

When she got back to the drawing room, Jem looked concerned. Just a minute ago they’d been laughing together as she explained the food and some of the names of bands she’d played on her iPod. He was sitting on the couch where she’d left him, lost in thought. She walked over, sat down next to him and took his hand.

“Jem, is something the matter?”

He didn't respond at first. He looked as if he had a thought, half formed, and needed the time to get it out. She waited.

“No.” He said, then looked as if he wanted to say more.

Tessa didn’t want to push too hard, but she was anxious she would do something to hurt Jem. Or worse, that she already had. They’d been together nonstop since meeting on the bridge. Maybe he needed some space. “You can tell me anything, you know.”

Jem rubbed his thumb over her hand in thought. He took a small breath and met her eyes. “I’m sorry to ask this. Can you turn into people who are dead?”

Tessa thought back to a century ago when Mortmain had forced her to turn into his dead Warlock father. It was different than most of her transformations, and the way she connected with the person’s thoughts was duller. It wasn’t something she had done often, in general she didn’t shift because of the way it could drain her. It had gotten better after time and practice, but still was a strange experience.

“Yes, I can.” She had a feeling why he was asking, but needed to wait for him to say it.

He kept rubbing her hand in nerves. He looked down at their laps before asking “How would you feel about turning into Will?”

There it was. Her breath caught. It made sense, as a request, but she was still surprised to hear it. She could, as she had taken his shape a few times when they were married, but hadn’t done so after his death. Not that she hadn’t thought about it. She answered as neutrally as she could. 

“I could do it.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

She squeezed his hand, and let silence hold space for a while. She needed to phrase this correctly. She looked at his face – both the same and so different from what she remembered. At first his silver hair and eyes had seemed magic, but once she learned the reason for his coloration she stopped herself from thinking of them as something good. The poison in him had drained him, and without it now he looked more beautiful than ever. More alive than he ever had been in their old life. “I’d do anything for you, Jem, I just don’t want you to have expectations too high. You have to know it’s not him. Not completely.”

A frown twitched as he took it as an insult. “Of course I know that.”

That was the main reason she had never done it. She was worried her version of Will would be too fake, would ruin her warmly held memories. She had thought of turning into him in the years she was going through heartbreak. Just long enough to get a good look, to cry, or to lay in bed so it would have his smell. So she could wake up and pretend he was there, that she wasn’t alone just for a few moments.

“I just don’t want to see you disappointed.” She moved her hand out from his and up to his face to hold the side. She leaned in for a kiss, and he met it hesitantly. His lips were harder than usual, tense. He’d been on edge when they’d left the house but this was a less abstract worry.

Jem pulled back. “Just once. That’s all I could ask of you.” He almost whispered. Tessa nodded, and kissed him again. “I want to say goodbye. As myself.”

She knew what he meant – thought he’d been there as Brother Zachariah for Will’s death, Jem was likely processing this emotion newly. Before he’d lived with a shield up, in a fog that was necessary to do the sacred job he had done. Though she’d come to understand the silent brothers better over the years and had a great respect for them, it still surprised her that some would choose to undergo the oaths because of all they gave up.

“I will try. Just, a couple things.” She knew if she thought too much about this she could psych herself out. Emotionally, it was a large undertaking. “I don’t know how long I can stay. If something is a big physical or emotional shock I’m not usually able to stay shifted.” Jem nodded, he likely knew this already from her days when they lived in the London institute. The second thing she expected may catch him off guard. “The other thing is I don’t want to see myself. I’m going to stay away from mirrors. It’s always strange for me, I usually don’t look at myself beyond it if I need to practice how I move or adjust an outfit.”

He seemed to take this well. He was very still, but that was how he had been for decades, and she knew that wasn’t a cause for concern. She added her last clause. “And I need to do it now. Before I overthink things. Because this sounds low-risk to me and I trust you but I have a voice in my head telling me that it’s a bad idea.”

“I’ll take that risk . ” he said.

…

Jem waited patiently on the couch while she went into her room and pulled out a pair of loose fitting jeans and a t-shirt. She wished she had a nice men’s coat, or trousers, or anything to look more authentic. She only had vintage women’s clothing, there was no need to keep a variety of clothes at her London flat.

She took a deep breath and centered herself on Will’s memory. She transformed. Her chest, now flat, moved differently. Even the exhale sounded different than her own. Though this wasn’t the most drastic transformation she had undergone it was the most intimate. Something about turning into people she knew was much harder than those who were strangers. It felt invasive, even when they gave their permission. (In Will’s case, enthusiastic consent. But that was a different situation, a lifetime ago.)

She walked across the room, and turned to face the couch. Seeing Jem, her heart soared. It was a different rush of compassion than what she felt normally, and she was frozen, taking in the feeling for a minute. She felt such a rush of  _ love _ that it was like the emotion was barely contained by the body.

“Will.”

Jem got off the couch, and had closed the distance between them. He was looking at Tessa with a new kind of wonder in his eyes.

Then Jem pulled her into a hug, and took deep, slow breaths to steady himself. They were so close, as they had been much of their time the last few days. This was more desperate, while he was gentle, loving, with Tessa, this had a different tone. Frantic.

“Will, I’m so sorry.”

Her heart felt a pang of sadness and she leaned back a little. She didn’t know quite what to do – she had told Jem she’d play a role, and she felt Will’s spirit tugging at her to say what she needed to.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Jem shook his head no into her shoulder. “I do. I’m sorry for being sick and for leaving you. We promised to stay by each other for life, and I had such a short life then – and I was so awful to not understand that you were in love with Tessa when I asked her to marry me and I hadn’t even told you my feelings before then.” He sighed. Tessa hugged him closer. She knew all these things, and knew none of it was his fault, but didn’t know how to make him feel better. She rubbed his back to stall while she thought of what to say. What Will would say. They’d always felt the same when it came to Jem. She didn’t need to overthink this.

“I did much worse to you than you did to I.” Will’s voice, but it was her own truth. She moved up her arm to Jem’s shoulder, and rubbed it to comfort herself.

Jem pulled out of the hug and went back to the couch. It was sudden and she was left feeling empty. Had she hurt him that much? He knew everything that had been said already. This was supposed to be helping, to provide closure. What was Jem really looking for, what could she give him?

Tessa felt herself sweating with nerves. She reached up to ruffle her short black hair, and could faintly smell Will’s scent. It brought back memories of when they’d been sweaty together both in battles and when they’d been intimate. She blushed at the thought, and refocused herself on Jem. This was for him, not for herself.

When she stepped over in front of the couch, Jem looked more distraught than before. He was seated in a twisted position. She didn’t sit down so she could give him some space.

“I’ve never felt as good as you said I am,” he admitted.

***

Jem had a boner.

He was able to hide it for now, but he couldn’t forever. And it didn't seem to be going away.

Back when they’d been boys they had touched but he was used to them touching then. Will’s smell didn’t excite him because he was used to it. Will’s body and his voice were things he took for granted. He was so tired then, so sick most of the time, that he didn’t have the energy to desire most days. Will had been close to him but still kept so much of his past locked away. Now he was here in the flesh, telling him how good he was.

“Jem, do you want to stop?” Will asked him. Tessa. Tessa was Will. But she was damn convincing. She thought he wasn’t doing well. He needed to turn around, he couldn't hide. He had asked for this. He longed for it. He didn’t want to stop because he had asked for this and because if Tessa had put herself through this for him to just quit he would feel terrible.

“No, I’m okay. Thank you.” In moving to sit facing forward, he attempted to shift his hips so he could tuck the boner, but it just seemed to pop up worse. He was wearing pajama pants and was helpless. His heart sank, this was shameful. He’d asked for a non-sexual favor and here he was, unable to reel in his physical desires once more.

He saw Will looking down at his pants.

Jem flushed. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. He hadn’t even considered this when he thought about this plan since becoming human again. Yet his dick told him he wanted this, he knew this. Which made it all the worse.

“It’s not proper”. He was speaking to both Will and Tessa, pleading her to ignore this. He didn’t want her to think badly of him, to think this was something he’d planned or tried to coerce out of her. He hadn’t been expecting this – yes, he had feelings, but they’d never acted on them. He had nothing to cling onto besides century year old dreams.

The silence after hung in the air. A few cars buzzed passed and the AC cut off. Neither of them knew what to say. Will took a step forward, still standing. He reached out to turn Jem’s face towards his. Looking him in the eyes was too much with his current shame. Tessa was going to hate him. This was a bad idea. This wasn’t honoring his memory, it-

Will bent into a kiss. “When have I ever worried about being proper?”

Jem kissed Will back, and let out even more pent up emotions than he had done with Tessa. He had never kissed a boy before, or in the case now, a man. Will’s stubble thrilled him as they turned their heads to kiss deeper. Will moved into Jem’s lap so they could keep kissing without having to lean into each other awkwardly. Jem took hold of his hair and pulled lightly as their kisses changed to rapid nipping ones before settling into a slower pace that was more of a conversation.

“While we’re being improper, do you want to take me to the bed?” Will asked. Jem’s heart pounded, it was what he wanted in this moment more than anything.

“I’d very much enjoy that.” He slid his arms to cradle the man and then lifted them both off of the sofa. It didn’t take too much effort, but made him feel very strong. He’d been the weak one for so long. Will had done so much for him, it was a relief to be able to use his body to equal his.

They got to the bed and Jem set Will down on the edge. On Tessa’s bed. His bed too now, it seemed. He imagined how this would have felt if they had done it in their childhood home, a hundred years and a couple miles away. He was ever aware of his own hardness, but more than that, he wanted to reach out and  _ feel _ Will. They’d gotten close when sparring, and sharing a bed when nightmares kept them up, and lots of times in their past life, but never something as intentionally intimate as this.

“I want to touch you”, he instructed. Will smiled up at him and leaned back onto the bed. Jem positioned himself over him, and took in his body with his eyes. He looked strange in modern dress, but the clothes didn’t have to stay on for long. Jem took the shirt and guided Will to lift it off over his head. After he put his hand on Will’s chest and trailed it down over hard muscle. He was both older and younger than he remembered, appearing physically in his late 20s. This body was more scarred, more refined than what he held as his mental image. He could spend hours doing this, but knew he needed to move with an urgency. He felt embarrassed again by his need. This was glorified roleplay, he shouldn’t be getting as worked up as he was. And he didn’t even know that Will would have wanted to do this. But this version of Will did, and he’d accept it. There was only so good he could be with a throbbing erection guiding his actions.

He moved his hands down over toned abs to unbutton the fly of the jeans. He fumbled trying to get a grasp of the bulge inside it, but realized it was going to be hard with the pants still on. Jem took a hand on each side of the pants and tugged them down as Will lifted his core up to aid. He both felt incredibly shy and incredibly horny, and reconciled the two by putting his hand onto Will’s cock.

***

Tessa groaned. It was throaty, different than most of the sounds Jem had drawn out of her these past few days. The slow rubbing on her dick sent waves of pleasure through her body, but she wanted it faster. She knew that she needed to stay in control, both for Jem and for herself – if she came she likely would transform back, and she didn’t want to do so before releasing Jem of his need. In this form she felt a  _ duty _ to help him, she’d sworn an oath, to protect him, to be besides him…

“How is this?” Jem asked. She kept her eyes closed, but had a feeling he was looking at her face. She could feel that he had shifted to lay beside her now, stroking with one hand.

“It’s great.” She said. “It’s wonderful.” She opened her eyes, gaze averted from her borrowed penis, and leaned in to start kissing Jem again. “I love you, James Carstairs.”

The hand around her length hitched and was gone. She wondered if she should have been quiet when she felt the hand on her hair. Jem was pulling her into a deeper kiss, hand in her messy dark hair.

“I love you too,” he whispered.

***

“Let me take care of you,” Tessa said in a low breath. They had been kissing for a while now, it was easier for her to not worry about being close to the edge, and Jem seemed to enjoy it. She rolled Jem onto his back, and moved down. He seemed almost frozen beneath her, much more timid than their first time a few days ago – but maybe she’d forgotten. Just a few days before he was a virgin, and now they were doing this.

They had a lot of lost time to catch up on.

She unbuttoned his shirt to expose his chest and leaned in to kiss down to his midriff. She stayed there as her hands tugged down the elastic of his pajama bottoms. Jem whimpered as she freed his cock and took the base of it in her hand. She followed the path down slowly until she got to his groin, and then lifted up to kiss the tip of his head. She pulled down the skin around him to expose the head fully, and then pressed her lips over half of the top. He moved up into her, so eager. She lifted her head back and pumped his cock slowly. Slow didn’t feel right though. She imagined what Will would have felt for Jem as they trained together and their bodies changed. Wasn’t there a story about Will climbing into bed with him (“platonically”)? Or was that just something she’d imagined?

She put her mouth back over the top half of his length and stroked the bottom into her face. A hand once more found its way tangled in her hair. At first it was hesitant, but as speed increased, Jem was pushing her in rhythm. She pulled back for a minute to breathe, and looked up at Jem. He looked so far gone, so lost in sensations. She remembered everything she was feeling must be  _ multiplied _ for him. A shiver went through her. She sat up to have some time to look at Jem, and without too much though stroked her own cock a few times. It was up to him. His decision how to finish this out. She closed her eyes, and reached out to Jem’s fine hair to run her fingers through it.

“What do you want to do next?”

**

The question burned in a way it should not have.

Jem  _ knew _ what he wanted to do desperately. But to say it out loud seemed so vulgar – what was what he wanted to do even called?

“Can I just show you? And if you don’t want to, let me know.”

Will moved his rough hand from his hair to over his lips. “Of course.”

Will put a finger through Jem’s lips – it felt invasive in a way his tongue hadn’t, yet good. Jem sucked and was met with a second finger, that he teased in and out for a minute before pulling away.

After the trail of spit broke from his lips Jem asked “Can you sit against the headboard?”

Will moved back and pushed himself up. Jem removed the pants from around his own legs and then stood up on his knees. He straddled Will, giving him time to adjust to what he was suggesting. Time to say no. Will just reached out and touched his legs gently, stroking the side up to his ass – it felt almost like Tessa’s hands. The touch sent a thrill through Jem and he couldn't take it any longer.

Jem pushed himself into Will’s face. He could feel parted lips at the base of his dick where Will had been anticipating taking him in. It wasn’t time for that yet. Jem pulled back and used his hand on his cock to flick it onto Will’s nose, then cheek. He’d wanted to do this to this condescending man, wanted a chance to be in charge of something beyond just his music. Being dominant felt good.

Will wouldn’t wait forever though. He took the base of Jem’s cock in a moving kiss and worked his way up to the top so he could take it in.

It felt  _ so good _ – Jem closed his eyes to help control himself. He wanted to thrust in completely and quickly, but let Will move back and forth on his length. Will’s scent was so strong under him with all their sweat coming together. He leaned forward to brace himself on the wall so he could have something to do with his arms while he held himself still. Will was working magical under him , it felt.

His cock was released briefly as Will pulled back and then scooched down onto the bed more. A couple pillows were rearranged for neck support, and then a hand grabbed Jem’s ass to pull him down further. At first lips kissed around his cock, but he grew impatient once more and reached down to feel the mouth that was his entrance and guide himself in. A groan reverberated around his length as he was taken. It was time again for him to take control and set the pace. He pulled back and then pushed forward, adjusting his angle slightly so not to catch on the rough top and bottom teeth.

This was a level of unhinged he had never let himself feel before – with Tessa, despite her insisting she could take it, he wanted to be gentle. Sure, they may have worked their way up to something like this, but he still felt he needed to treat Tessa a certain way he didn’t need to treat Will. He knew this was her in a way, but it didn’t feel like it. Or maybe it was just in his head and she’d acted the same in both forms, just he knew how wrong this was so could let himself go.

Jem felt himself growing closer and didn’t want to stop. He wanted to pleasure Will but could do that soon, could take more time to touch and kiss his body after he was able to release. He moved his hips up and down until he was pushing Will down into the bed. Jem rode out the orgasm down his throat, spilling himself into the back. Will coughed slightly around him, but didn’t resist. After he was done, panting, a hand nudged him up. He realized his whole weight was on Will and it may be making it hard for him to breathe. He pulled out, and shifted his body down before collapsing onto the man’s torso.

Will felt so warm and solid under him, so real. He felt like he was dreaming, and in a way he was. He was floating in bliss, but felt the edges of something bad creeping in as his head cleared. Was this going to make it harder in the long run? This wasn’t what he’d meant when he said he wanted to  _ say goodbye _ . He felt a wash of guilt, for treating his memory like that, as well as sorrow, that he was so close and so far.

“James?” Tessa said, moving under him. She had turned back. Jem moved his face and felt he was now resting next to one of her breasts. Will was gone. “You’re crying.” She rubbed a tear off his cheek that he’d let out quietly.

“Sorry, I’m – you know I’m not good with words,” he stammered. He took slow, deep breaths, to keep his tears under control. Emotional regulation was new. Tessa had already seen him cry (about once a day since he’d been back), but it still felt uncomfortably raw. He didn’t want her to take on the burden of his emotions, of his unease and lack of regulation. And he had certainly just shown a  _ lack of regulation _ in his actions, in his thrusting–

“I miss him too.” She responded. Her hand moved up to his hair, and ran fingers through it. They spoke slowly, with lots of quiet between sentences. “It gets easier”.

He nodded. Having his head pet helped him calm down. This was a touch he didn’t have to be anxious about. Not that he should have been anxious with Will, but he was because it was unfamiliar. Tessa’s body he already knew how to find comfort in.

“I hope you do not think less of me for that , ” he said.  _ That _ being so many things. His unhinged state, his more-than-platonic feelings for Will.

“Of course not.” Tessa hugged him to her.

She had to be lying. He thought less of himself. He took deep breaths to try to stop the tears. He thought about saying something to her, condemning himself, apologizing. He couldn’t find the right words. He started to shake and squeezed his eyes shut.

“Oh Jem.” Tessa moved her hand from his hair to trace a line from his eye to cheek. “ Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears”. 

“You’re bringing heaven into this?” He mused. He hadn’t heard talk of the Angel in a while, and was happy to leave that in his past for a bit. 

She nudged him over onto his back and put her head in the crook between his neck and his shoulder.  “No, it’s a quote. From Dickens.” 

“Ahh.” He tried to remember if he had read it before. “Is it from Will’s book?

“Not quite. It’s from  _ Great Expectations.  _ Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts.” Tessa reached her arm out, he thought to hold him, but instead she pulled his unpinned hand to her cheek. 

“I was better after I had cried, than before. More sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.” She moved his hand down to her lips and kissed away her tears from his fingers. 

He turned his hand to hold hers and gave it a squeeze. “I love you, Tessa. Thank you.” 

They fell asleep, forgetting who was who in their dreams.


End file.
